How to deal with challenging behaviour in elderly parents

What are the common triggers for self-centred behaviour?

When an older parent starts to exhibit self-centred behaviour, it may be due to factors they are unable to control, so it is important to differentiate between true selfishness and age-related factors or changes that could influence this behaviour. Some possible causes could include:

Family dynamics and generational differences 

Family dynamics can play a role in causing older adults to act selfishly if they feel overlooked, ignored, or assume that their feelings are not being considered. If multiple family members are involved in caring for an older parent, this could cause conflicts between siblings, inadequate caregiving, or differences in the financial contribution of all parties, all of which might cause an older parent to protect and focus on their own needs before others.

Similarly, generational differences can cause a difference in priorities, for example, if the older parent believes it is the adult child’s job to care for them, while the adult child feels professional care would be best for everyone. If there is frustration or anger over these differences, an older person may decide to prioritise their own needs, which could come across as selfishness.

It is important that families communicate well and include the older parent in decisions so they feel like they have autonomy – sometimes what appears to be a self-centred action might be a desire for more respect and control over their routine. 

Physical health issues 

Living with chronic pain or physical health issues can be extremely challenging, so older adults may display personality changes as the result of pain, discomfort or fatigue. When the mind is mostly focused on the pain or discomfort, this can reduce an older person’s patience and increase irritability, which may seem out of character for them. In fact, a 2022 study found that physical pain can lead to behavioural changes, including heightened aggression. 

This discomfort may make them less able to share, compromise, or remain polite, which can appear as selfish behaviour. Conditions such as arthritis might cause the type of ongoing pain that leads to frustration, while things like eyesight or hearing issues might cause discomfort, anxiety, and selfish actions that grow from a desire for control and to protect their own interests. 

Understanding your parent’s struggle with health issues may better equip you to respond with empathy and patience, and provide the practical support they need to feel better.

Cognitive health issues

Cognitive changes can affect the way an older person interacts with others, possibly causing them to display selfish tendencies. Conditions like dementia or Alzheimer’s disease, or general cognitive decline, can impact an older person’s memory, judgement, impulse control, self-esteem, and ability to read others’ feelings. It can also cause them to focus on their immediate needs or desires without considering others around them. 

An estimated90% of those with Alzheimer’s disease will experience symptoms like agitation and irritability, while a 2021 study found that late-life cynical hostility manifesting as mistrust of others is connected to white matter changes in the brain, and this can be an early indicator of Alzheimer’s disease.

Similarly, the physical pain associated with dementia can lead to selfishness too – a 2025 study found pain is associated with various behavioural changes in dementia, including agitation, aggression, anxiety, care refusal, and socially inappropriate behaviour. Some of these changes could appear to be selfishness in some scenarios. 

In the case of dementia, many people notice their loved one’s personality changes as their condition worsens over time. They may initially notice small, barely perceptible selfish tendencies, but when dementia reaches the advanced stage, an older person may have total disregard for others’ feelings – it is important to keep in mind that this is through no fault of their own, as dementia can alter the brain so much that some people display an entirely different personality. 

Dependency-related stress 

Many older adults dislike having to rely on others in their later years when they have spent so long living independently. Conversely, some older adults only want to rely on their family members rather than receiving professional care. In one survey that asked participants about their reasons for leaving work to care for older parents, one of the top responses was “there is no one else who can help”, which on one hand could indicate the caregiver’s lack of knowledge about other care options, or on the other hand, an older adult’s reluctance to accept care from a stranger or someone other than their children.   

This highly dependent caregiving relationship can cause stress to develop, and in turn, could cause the older person to become overly focused on their own needs. They may experience anxiety about losing control or having to burden others with their health issues, and while some older people may put themselves at risk by never bringing up their needs with loved ones or caregivers, others may become more demanding as a result. Recognising that this change may be the result of stress rather than intentional selfishness can help families foster empathy and understanding about their parent’s issues.

Caregiving tensions

As mentioned above, older adults might feel tense or resentful about accepting help from their adult children, or they might refuse care in an effort to assert their independence, even if it is evident that they need help. Studies have found that care receivers often feel guilty or embarrassed by receiving more care than they can give in return. Accepting care from someone who they used to care for as an infant can feel strange and uncomfortable in the beginning, so this may cause feelings of sadness and frustration, or in some cases, it could lead to them lashing out and acting selfishly by not accepting the care they need. 

Older parents may be reluctant to accept care due to false beliefs that:

• Home care is the first step towards a care home
• They will lose control of their daily routine
• They will need to spend a lot of money
• They will experience a loss of dignity in the care process

You can learn more in our guide on how to handle an elderly relative refusing care.

Recognising that this behaviour likely comes from a place of embarrassment or guilt can make it easier for families to understand their worries and concerns, and change tactics to help them feel more at ease. 

Financial factors

When people retire, they may become more concerned about making sure their money stretches long enough to keep them going until the end of their life. In some areas with particularly high living costs, those of State Pension age might struggle to make ends meet, and these financial concerns can make older adults seem selfish when they keep what is left of their money close, and what will be left over as inheritance for their family. 

They may experience:

• Worries about covering their basic living expenses
• A desire to excessively restrict spending
• Resistance to share things 
• A fear of losing financial control 
• Controlling or protective behaviours around money 

It is important to understand that these actions typically stem from anxiety rather than true selfishness, so families should keep this in mind when entering any discussions about money with their loved one.

How to manage conflict with parents 

Managing conflict with parents is never easy, especially if they feel frustrated over a health issue, or sad about being dependent on you. It is important to keep things calm and solution-focused where possible. Managing conflict might involve:

• Choosing the right time to bring up subjects that could lead to conflict 
• Being patient and allowing them to vent their frustrations until they feel ready to discuss the underlying reason for the conflict 
• Clearly communicating to get to the root of the issue on both sides, by speaking slowly and calmly in every situation
• Reframing language to reduce accusations or defensiveness
• Listening actively and acknowledging their feelings without reacting negatively 
• Recognising triggers, such as certain situations or topics that usually fuel conflict
• Avoiding escalation by taking breaks from the conversation and always bringing it back to a solution that works for everyone 
• Picking your battles when some things seem insignificant to the bigger picture 
• Being open to compromise, even if it is inconvenient for you  
• Bringing in a neutral third party if needed, such as another family member or a professional caregiver, to give a different perspective
• Focusing on how to move forward productively rather than on placing blame

How to support a parent’s emotional and mental health needs

Many negative emotions and behaviours–such as displaying selfishness or instigating conflict–might be easily solved by paying more attention to your parent’s emotional and mental health needs. These might include cognitive changes like dementia, depression, loneliness (learn more in our guide to signs of loneliness in the elderly), and anxiety (learn more in our guide to handling stress and anxiety in the elderly).

You can support their mental health by taking steps such as:

• Regularly checking in with them about how they are and what is bothering them 
• Acknowledging their feelings are valid and showing genuine interest 
• Listening to their concerns without judgement, even if they seem trivial to you
• Making sure they know they can trust you with their worries and that you will do what you can to help them
• Encouraging social engagement through things like family visits, community classes, or hobbies they enjoy
• Supporting their preferred routines so they feel they have autonomy in their daily life 
• Encouraging mindful activities that could improve mental health, such as meditation or reading 
• Offering guidance to help them access counselling if needed, or support groups

What are some other coping strategies?

At what can be a challenging part of life, you could try some coping strategies that can reduce the stress of the situation, rather than muddling through in the moment. This can help you to maintain a healthy relationship with your parent. 

Firstly, it is important to prioritise your own self-care through things like:

• Creating a regular exercise routine
• Getting enough sleep to support your energy during the day
• Making time for your own interests and social time with other people
• Having time away to help you reset your patience and resilience for future challenges
• Exploring stress management techniques like mindfulness or journalling as a way of processing and releasing any difficult feelings about your parent’s behaviour 

Getting professional support could also be helpful if you feel you need it, such as counselling or a local support group for family caregivers. Through this coping strategy, you could gain guidance from others in your position, validation from a professional, a chance to vent any of your own frustrations, and practical strategies that could help you to handle future challenging behaviours when they arise. 

Don’t forget to also share your caregiving responsibilities where possible, such as with siblings, other family members, or professional carers who can provide respite care. This helps to prevent carer’s burnout, which can sneak up on those who are not taking regular time off, or who are working very long hours with parents displaying challenging behaviours. Bringing in support can also help ensure the care routine you have is working well from a professional’s perspective.

Could selfishness be a sign of further care needs? 

As mentioned, self-centred behaviours in older parents can sometimes indicate there is some unmet care need underlying, rather than it being a case of intentional selfishness. A GP will be able to help provide a proper diagnosis if you or your loved one start to notice behavioural changes, but this could be a sign of cognitive decline (such as dementia), depression, anxiety, physical pain (such as from arthritis), or medication side effects. 

You can learn more in our guide to signs your elderly parent needs help at home.

By observing their patterns and triggers, you may be able to distinguish age-related changes from intentional behaviour, but it is typically best to get a professional’s perspective since you are likely too close to the situation to remain objective. By working with your parent’s GP or a geriatric specialist through the NHS, you can help to pinpoint what underlying health conditions, if any, are bothering them. 

Once you know the underlying cause, you can plan ahead to ensure care is adapted to meet their needs and improve their quality of life. You can learn more in our guide on how to handle elderly parents who need help.

What resources are available for adult children caring for an older parent?

It is important that adult children caring for older parents avoid isolating themselves or believing that they are the only ones that can help. In reality, there are many options available in the UK for support, and resources for further insight. For example:

• Your local council can offer a Care Needs Assessment and information about respite care for families to ensure caregivers have the practical and emotional support they need while managing life with an older parent 
• Charities such as Age UK and The Silver Line provide additional knowledge for those managing life with an older relative, such as Age UK’s mental health hub, and their advice on relationships and family, as well as The Silver Line’s helpline for older adults (0800 4 70 80 90)
• Carers UK offers practical advice on caring for older relatives, including financial support, health and wellbeing, and more
• Sometimes local support groups and community organisations exist to provide a space for either older adults to spend time with new faces, such as at an adult day care centre, or for family carers to learn more about caregiving or explore mental health resources
• Professional mediation services might help to resolve conflicts within families if they arise, or to clarify caregiver boundaries 
• Professional home care services can assist with daily care needs to reduce the burden on families, helping with tasks like personal care, medication management, and housekeeping – you can learn more in our guide on what to do if you’re feeling trapped by caring for an elderly parent. 

How can home care help?

For families managing the many complex physical, behavioural and emotional needs of older parents, having access to professional home care can feel like a real lifesaver when times are tough. Many adult children caring for their parents will experience carer’s burnout eventually, so when the time comes, knowing who to turn to and how they can help will make the process a lot easier. 

Home care professionals can offer impartial support when there are disagreements or if tensions arise within the family due to care needs, by helping to mediate conflicts and diffuse any stress for both parties. They can also become a trusted companion for your older loved one, providing compassionate emotional support while also assisting with their routines, care needs, and household responsibilities. 

At Home Instead, our Care Professionals become familiar with your family’s individual situation to promote a calm, friendly and easy atmosphere for everyone involved. We take the time to match each client with a caregiver who complements their personality, interests and specific care needs, which helps to ensure they enjoy the company of their caregiver and can develop a strong bond.

We can offer a bespoke package of services to fit your needs, such as: 

• Personal care (help with bathing, dressing and more)
• Meal preparation and cooking 
• Companionship to reduce loneliness and manage mental health
• Specialist care for health conditions like diabetes or dementia 
• Medication management and health monitoring
• Transportation to GP appointments and other errands 
• Facilitating social engagement and hobbies to promote wellbeing
• Respite care to provide ad hoc care when regular caregivers are unavailable, are feeling burnt out, or if tensions are building with an older relative and some time away could help restore peace

Our friendly, supportive Care Professionals are ready to provide the support your older parent needs — you can reach out to your local Home Instead office to discuss your options.

We’re an award-winning home care provider and part of a worldwide organisation devoted to providing the highest-quality relationship-led care for older people in their own homes. Arranging care for yourself or your loved one shouldn’t be stressful, so whatever questions you would like answered, feel free to reach out to the Home Instead team to discuss your needs.