What Should You Never Do When Caring for a Loved One With Dementia?
Have you ever found yourself arguing with a parent who insists it’s 1972, or gently correcting a partner who keeps asking about someone who passed away years ago?
If so, you’re not alone—and you’re not doing anything wrong. Caring for someone with dementia is deeply emotional, and even the most patient carers can get caught in difficult moments. But there are certain things you should never do when your loved one is living with memory loss. Not because you’re at fault, but because understanding what doesn’t help is just as important as knowing what does.
At Home Instead New Forest, we work closely with families across the region to provide not only high-quality care, but also reassurance and education. This blog will walk you through three of the most important things to never do when supporting someone with dementia—and more importantly, what to do instead.
1. Never Argue, Correct or Reason—Respond With Empathy Instead
It’s easy to fall into the trap of logic.
You might say things like:
- “No, Mum, you’ve lived here for years now.”
- “Of course you spoke to Joe—he rang yesterday.”
- “That’s not true. The bank didn’t forge your signature.”
But these responses, however well-intentioned, often make things worse.
Why It Doesn’t Work
Dementia affects reasoning, memory and emotional regulation. Correcting someone or insisting on the truth can increase their confusion or cause distress. From their point of view, what they believe is true—and being challenged may make them feel unheard or even threatened.
What to Do Instead
Validate the feeling, not the fact.
If your loved one says, “Joe hasn’t called in ages,” respond with:
“You really enjoy talking with Joe. Let’s give him a call after lunch.”
If they say, “Someone’s stolen my handbag,” try:
“That sounds worrying. Let’s have a look together and see if we can find it.”
These kinds of replies soothe their emotional state rather than spotlighting the memory gap.
2. Never Remind Them They’ve Forgotten—Redirect and Reassure
“You already told me that.”
“You’ve asked that three times already.”
“You were at the doctor’s this morning—don’t you remember?”
These phrases can unintentionally shame or embarrass someone living with dementia.
Why It Doesn’t Work
Forgetting is not a choice. Asking someone with dementia to “try harder” to remember is like asking someone with a broken leg to run. Repeated reminders highlight their memory loss, often triggering anxiety or even fear.
What to Do Instead
Redirect the conversation to something comforting or familiar. Offer gentle cues without framing them as corrections.
If they ask repeatedly about going home—even if they are home—try:
“Let’s have a cup of tea first, then we’ll see how you’re feeling.”
Or if they say, “Where’s my husband?” and he’s no longer alive:
“He’ll be home for tea soon. Would you like a biscuit—chocolate chip or oatmeal?”
It’s not about deceiving—it’s about creating a safe emotional space.
3. Never Take It Personally—Their Words Aren’t About You
Dementia can sometimes bring out difficult behaviours. Your loved one might say hurtful things, push you away, or even accuse you of things you didn’t do.
“You’re stealing from me!”
“You never visit!”
“Get out—I don’t need your help!”
Why It Doesn’t Work to Argue Back
Reacting with frustration or defensiveness often escalates the situation. Dementia changes how the brain interprets reality. These statements are usually not a true reflection of your relationship, but a symptom of fear, confusion, or feeling out of control.
What to Do Instead
Take a breath. Step back emotionally. Try responding with calm and compassion:
“I’m sorry things feel difficult today. I love you, and I’m here with you.”
“I know this is hard. Let’s sit together for a bit.”
Validating their emotions helps to de-escalate tension—even if the words they use are upsetting.
Communication Tips That Help Every Day
Supporting someone with dementia is a long journey. And while these “don’ts” are helpful to avoid, it’s just as useful to know what works consistently.
Simple, Supportive Strategies:
- Use short, clear sentences.
- Repeat things the same way each time.
- Allow plenty of time to respond.
- Accept blame to keep things calm.
- Keep a cheerful tone even when they’re distressed.
- Redirect rather than confront.
- Respond to emotion, not content.
When you approach situations with patience and kindness, even small changes can lead to a more peaceful day.
Real-Life Examples of What to Say (and What Not to)
They say: “There’s nothing wrong with me!”
Avoid: “Of course there is—you’ve been to the memory clinic.”
Try: “It’s just a routine check-up. I’m glad we’re going together.”
They say: “You can go now and don’t come back!”
Avoid: “You need me—you can’t live on your own.”
Try: “I know this is upsetting. I care about you, and I’ll always be here.”
They say: “Who are you? Where’s my husband?”
Avoid: “I’m your daughter. And Dad died years ago—remember?”
Try: “He’ll be back later. Would you like to look at your wedding photo album with me?”
Making Home Feel Safe and Familiar
Creating a dementia-friendly home environment can also support better communication and reduce distress. Some tips include:
- Keep furniture arrangements the same.
- Use soft lighting to reduce shadows.
- Label drawers with pictures and words.
- Turn down background noise when talking.
- Stick to consistent daily routines.
These little details help your loved one feel less overwhelmed and more secure.
Caring for Yourself as Well
Looking after someone with dementia is emotionally and physically demanding. If you’re exhausted, burned out or struggling, it’s not a failure—it’s a sign you need more support.
Watch for signs like:
- Constant tiredness or poor sleep.
- Feelings of guilt or resentment.
- Lack of time for your own needs.
- Struggling with patience or focus.
Talk to your GP, reach out to a local support group, or look into respite care. At Home Instead New Forest, we offer tailored services designed to give you a break while your loved one receives attentive care at home.
When It’s Time for Extra Help
Sometimes home care may not be enough. If you notice:
- Unsafe behaviour (e.g., wandering or leaving the stove on).
- Increased aggression or fear.
- Missed medication or hygiene concerns.
- Carer burnout that doesn’t improve with rest.
It may be time to discuss longer-term options like memory care or live-in support. Planning ahead, with your loved one involved as much as possible, can ease transitions later on.
Final Thoughts: Patience Over Perfection
Caring for someone with dementia isn’t about always getting it right. It’s about doing your best—with warmth, respect, and understanding.
Avoid arguing, correcting or taking things to heart. Focus on connection, not correction. And remember: every kind word, every calm moment, matters.
At Home Instead New Forest, we understand the emotional weight of caring for a loved one with dementia. You don’t have to do it all on your own. Whether you need in-home support, respite services or just a conversation, we’re here to help.
📞 Call us on 01590 637 250 or visit homeinstead.co.uk/New-Forest to learn more.
Areas We Serve
Lymington, Brockenhurst, New Milton, Totton, Lyndhurst & the surrounding areas.
BH23 8, BH24 4, BH25 5, BH25 6, BH25 7, SO40 2, SO40 3, SO40 4, SO40 7, SO40 8, SO40 9, SO41 0, SO41 3, SO41 5, SO41 6, SO41 8, SO41 9, SO42 7, SO43 7, SO45 1, SO45 2, SO45 3, SO45 4, SO45 5, SO45 6
5 Rashley Mews, High St, Lymington SO41 9AR, UK
01590 637 250
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